Loki: Adventures In Midgard
by XxBrendaMichelexX
Summary: You know what's fun? When your boyfriend is Loki of Asgard, and he knows nothing about Earth stuff, so you have to teach him about things and watch his reaction. That's fun. These are a series of one-shots with Loki x Amelia (one of my OCs) where Amelia introduces Loki to the good and bad of Midgard. Just for fun, hope you enjoy!
1. The Cat

**Episode #1: The Cat**

"Want some breakfast?" I called to Loki from the kitchen. He was sitting on my couch in my apartment, studying my living room.

"What is this?" he asked, for the fifteenth time. I couldn't blame him since he was pretty much from outer space, but I didn't have time to explain everything in the whole world to him. I entered the living room and found him pointing his blue scepter-thing at my cat Jenko. He was a brown and white cat and his back was arched at Loki.

"Loki, don't! You'll hurt him!" I said, rushing to Loki's side. He put his scepter down and looked at me.

"It hissed at me. It must pay. I am going to kill it."

"No! Nobody's going to pay or get killed. He just doesn't know who you are. He hisses at new people. His name is Jenko."

"This creature is your companion?" Loki asked, giving me a bewildered look. I nodded. Jenko jumped onto the couch and Loki brought his head down to him.

"I am Loki, of Asgard!" he said to Jenko. I laughed, and Loki turned back to me with another confused look.

"What are you laughing at?"

"You!" I replied.

"What did I do?" I shook my head.

"You two just get acquainted," I said. Loki looked back down at Jenko, who was now licking his paws.

"This creature is intriguing," he said. I laughed again and left Loki to marvel at Jenko while I went back to the kitchen to start on breakfast. I was about halfway done with the waffles when I heard a scream from the living room. A scream and a meow. Oh no.

"AMELIA!" Loki yelled, and I rushed to the living room to find Loki on the floor, wrestling with Jenko, who had attached his claws to Loki's face.

"Jenko, no! Bad kitty!" I said, grabbing at him. Loki stood up before I could and ran into the wall, only to fall down again.

"CAN I PLEASE KILL IT?!" he yelled. I grabbed Jenko and pulled him off of Loki's face with a big tug. He jumped out of my arms and scurried to my bedroom to hide under my bed. I went over to Loki, reaching out to him with concern. He was kneeling in the corner, his hands over his face.

"Loki I'm sorry, are you alright?" I asked. I took his hands down from his face and saw numerous claw marks in his skin, some seeping blood. Loki gave me a pathetic look, his big green eyes like that of a puppy.

"We don't have those in Asgard," he stated pitifully and I tried not to smile as I wrapped my arms around him and pulled him to my chest.

"Aw…I'm sorry."

"Are you laughing? I was attacked!"

"No…I'm going to go get you some peroxide for that." I went back into the kitchen and Loki followed me.

"Peroxide…what's that?"

…

"OW! THIS SUBSTANCE BURNS!"


	2. Walmart

**(Author's Note: Let me know what you think of this series! Is there any Earthly things you would like to see Loki encounter? Review! :))**

**Episode #2: Walmart**

It was a lazy Saturday afternoon and Loki and I had been watching Full House, my favorite 80's sitcom. Loki didn't like it much, because of his hatred for Jesse. Uncle Jesse just so happened to be my favorite character.

"Why do you hate him so much?" I asked. We were cuddling on the couch, my head on his chest as we watched.

"He believes he is of more importance than the Tanner and the Gladstone," Loki replied. "He is nothing but a petty mortal like the rest. It is aggravating." I smiled.

"I think you're just jealous of his hair." Loki scoffed.

"I am not! My hair is far better than that of the Uncle," Loki said. "And I know you like it better." I smiled up at him.

"You're right, I do." I kissed his cheek and stood up. "I'm going to make us some popcorn," I said, walking into the kitchen.

"Is this 'popcorn' some sort of food?" asked Loki.

"Yep," I replied. "You'll love it."

As I sorted through my cabinets, I realized I was out of popcorn. I was pretty much out of everything.

"Hey Loki, I'm going to the store okay? I'll be back in like an hour, but during that time: no killing, no smashing, no blasting, no stabbing, and no threatening any neighbors. Got it?" I grabbed my keys and made my way to the door from the living room.

"Wait, I want to go with you," said Loki. I thought about that one. Maybe if I told him how to behave he wouldn't be that much of a problem. Plus, I wouldn't be gone very long.

"Okay but you're going to need some regular guy clothes, and all the previously mentioned rules I just stated still apply. Just let me do the talking, and don't threaten anyone."

"You're awfully bossy today," Loki said. "But I will do as you wish." He used his magic alien powers to equip himself with a green t-shirt and khaki pants.

"Ooh, you look nice." He smiled at me and I drove us to Walmart. Loki sat still in the car, still not used to how the vehicle worked.

When we arrived, there were Girl Scouts outside the store, selling cookies. I always tried to buy some because they were so cute; their little shining faces lighting up whenever you buy their cookies. I felt like if I had the opportunity to put that look on a little girl's face, I was going to take it.

Loki made it up there before I did. I tensed up and tried to catch up to him. These Girl Scouts were a little older, maybe thirteen, and Loki was looking at the boxes of cookies.

"What is this?" he asked. One girl bit her lip and giggled a little, and shyly answered his question.

"Those are Thin Mints," she said. "They're our biggest seller. Would you like to buy some?" I elbowed Loki and handed him five dollars.

"Give it to her," I said, and Loki held the money out to the girl. She gave him the cookies.

"Thank you," I called to her, leading Loki away before he said something to traumatize the poor kid. She waved at him as we left. I held Loki's hand.

"I think she has a little crush on you," I said. Loki smiled.

"Beauty is such a curse," he said dramatically. I laughed. When we entered the store, I prepared myself for the endless question of "What is this" from Loki. I got exactly that.

"Loki honey, I promise I will answer all your questions one day, but for now, let's just stick to what we need."

"Can I push it?" Loki asked, referring to the shopping cart.

"Sure," I replied.

That was a mistake. Loki took the cart and pushed it into a kiosk of oranges, sending many of them across the floor. He looked at me with a wince.

"My apologies. Your turn." I laughed and picked up the oranges. When they were all back in place, I began pushing the cart again.

Throughout the food section, I had to repeatedly tell Loki that you had to pay for it _before_ you ate it. My budget was going to stretch quite a bit from all the food Loki had bitten into. I first caught him with a jar of peanut butter. He dipped his finger in it and put it in his mouth.

"Loki! You have to pay for it before you eat it!" I said, taking the peanut butter from him. He scowled.

"That's injustice," he said. "I am a god. I do what I want." He grabbed the peanut butter back and continued to eat it, getting his fingers quite sticky in the process. I gave apologetic looks to many passing strangers flashing us the evil eye. One man called Loki out, and I wanted badly to warn him.

"Sir, you have to pay for that!" the man said in a less than friendly tone, quickly walking up to Loki. I gave Loki the "please control yourself" look.

"I am aware of that," Loki replied calmly. I sighed in relief that he didn't harm the man, and quickly said something to calm his irritated expression.

"He has low blood sugar. I promise we'll pay for it, but he has to eat something or he'll pass out." The man's expression suddenly softened.

"Oh, I'm very sorry," he said. I felt bad for lying, but I didn't want Loki to cause himself or the man any trouble. The man left with a nod, and Loki resumed his consumption of the Jif brand peanut butter.

"I need some water," he said.

"Later, okay?" I said. "We don't want to attract any more attention."

"It is astounding how Midgardians strive to avoid each other," he said. Although shameful, that was true.

When we got to the health and cosmetic section, it was a whole new flood of questions. I put some mascara and lipstick in the cart and Loki studied it.

"What is that?"

"Makeup. It makes me prettier." Loki smirked.

"You do not need that," he said. I blushed.

When I was getting my shampoo, I didn't even notice Loki pick up a bottle and squeeze it into his mouth. He threw it to the ground and I turned around.

"Oh my God Loki, that's not food!" I said. Loki spit the shampoo onto the floor.

"I know that now!" he said. He made a disgusted face and people were starting to stare. Before I could do anything, Loki threw up on the floor where he threw the shampoo. I pat his back and a worker came into the isle.

"Cleanup on Isle 7!" she said. She looked at the bottle of shampoo on the floor and gave me a questioning look.

"I'll pay for that," I said.

Loki didn't say anything at the checkout. He simply glared at the bag lady and made her uneasy. When we made it to my car, he helped me put the groceries in the trunk.

"Are you okay?" I asked. Loki swallowed.

"You Midgardians need to better distinguish what is food and what is not," he said. I laughed, and he smiled a little. He opened my car door and I strapped him in the passenger seat.

"I'm never taking you to Walmart again," I said with a chuckle. Loki furrowed his brow.

"What did I do?"


	3. Disneyland

**(Author's Note: OMG I love you people, thank you for your reviews! This episode is for Loki Is My BFF, as requested! :) Enjoy!)**

**Episode #3 – Disneyland**

I know, I know. "Amelia, why in the world would you TRAVEL with LOKI? Traveling is hard enough by itself!" I thought that too. But someone invented this wonderful thing called sleeping pills. Loki was out like a light through the whole process. It was rather adorable. I mean he only woke up about twice, and he did freak out a lot, but in total, throughout the whole trip he managed to get through it with only five threats to others. I was proud.

I decided I would take Loki to Disneyland, America's favorite theme park. Loki had gotten a little stir crazy, being stuck in my little apartment for so long. He even started looking out the window and dropping my old shoes on people's heads below. He thought that was so funny. But in my opinion, everyone needs to visit Disneyland at least once in their lives, so I took Loki.

He didn't even wake up until I had already checked us into our hotel room. I had pushed him around in a wheelchair the whole time he was asleep, so that was the first thing he noticed. He looked around the room and then at me.

"What…where are we? Was I asleep?"

"Yep. I wanted to take you to Disneyland. So we're in Disneyland. The flight took all day, so I guess you were asleep all day. I gave you sleeping pills so you wouldn't be a problem at the airport." Loki widened his eyes at me.

"You _drugged_ me in secret so you could carry me around with you like a dog?"

"Well, when you put it that way…"

"I'm proud of you! You're learning Amelia. …I would say that was a proper decision. I might have cause a bit of mischief. It's just...the thing about mortals is that I hate them."

"You don't hate me," I said. "I'm a mortal."

"Yes, but…you're hot. You're the only mortal I don't hate." I laughed.

"You only like me 'cause I'm hot?" I said. Loki smiled and stood up.

"No, but that is my favorite reason." He kissed me. "Oh, and…what is 'Disneyland?'"

…

We only spent one day in Disneyland. That's all we could stay. Taking Loki places was difficult. The trouble started when he saw Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck walking around.

"What is _that_?" Loki asked, giving the characters a horrified look. He studied them. "Their arms and legs move, but their faces do not. I don't understand." He walked up to them and I followed.

"Loki be careful—" He poked Mickey in the eye and turned to me.

"It doesn't blink!" he said.

"They're actually guys in suits," I said. "They put on these faces for the kids." Loki looked even more confused.

"_This_ is childhood entertainment? I have given up on this planet Amelia." I sighed and leaned on him.

"Let's go get ice cream." When he started to ask what ice cream was, I just raised my hand to silence him. He didn't like that. "Just wait until we get it," I said.

Loki liked ice cream. I ordered him chocolate and I got Butterfinger. I taught him how to eat it by licking it, but he didn't seem to understand that idea.

"Why must you lick it? Can't you bite it?"

"It would hurt."

"Why?" Loki took a bite anyway. "Oh it's COLD!" His mouth and the rest of him slowly started to turn blue, and his eyes turned red. I took his ice cream.

"Oh, I forgot about the Frost Giant thing…" I said. "You might—"

"—Frighten people?" Loki said with a sad look I could tell he was trying to hide. I put my hands on his face.

"No," I said. "You're perfect. Let's go on a ride." Loki smiled and returned to his normal color.

We decided to go on the California Screamin' Roller Coaster, since Loki had never been on one. It looked the most fun. We stepped in line behind a couple of kids that looked to be about ten. They turned around and looked at Loki. One of them had short red hair and was taller than all the others.

"Why is your hair so long?" the redheaded kid asked. Loki looked down at him.

"Because I like it long," he replied.

"Well it's stupid," said the kid. I could see the anger in Loki's face and grabbed his arm in warning.

"You're stupid," Loki replied. "Why is your hair so short?"

"It's cool. Your hair's not cool," the kid said, crossing his arms. Loki leaned down to the child and gave him a stern look.

"Well I have a smoking hot girlfriend that loves my hair. Where's your smoking hot girlfriend?" The kid scowled at Loki and kicked him in the crotch.

"Ow! FU—"

"—Haha!" I finished sarcastically. I did not want to be kicked out of Disneyland for Loki's cursing at a ten year old. "Good one kid, now turn around." He gave me a mean look and I put my hand on his shoulders and turned him around.

"Are you okay?" I asked Loki, who was knelt on the floor in pain. I helped him up, and the redheaded kid looked at him and snickered.

"I WILL DESTROY YOU!" Loki yelled to the child. The kid stuck his tongue out. Loki stuck his out back at the kid.

"Just ignore him Loki," I said. Loki crossed his arms and snorted. I tried to take his mind off of it. "Where'd you get your new Earthly terminology? Smoking hot girlfriend? I didn't think you knew that one." Loki smiled.

"I picked that one up from your…'television', if that's the proper Midgardian term," he said. I wrapped my arms around him.

"I love you Loki."

When Loki and I got to the front of the line, the redheaded kid's friends took a cart together and as fate would have it, Loki was forced to sit with the redheaded kid. I took the cart behind them with a fat lady that smelled like socks.

"Don't sit so close to me, weirdo," said the kid.

"There is not much room in here!" hissed Loki.

"Fatty!"

"I WILL DRIVE A STAKE THROUGH YOUR WEAK, PATHETIC HEART MORTAL, UNTIL THE BLOOD RUNS OUT INTO MY WORTHY HANDS!" Loki screamed, his anger boiling over. The lady next to me swung her purse at Loki and hit him on the side of the head.

"Don't you _dare_ talk to my baby boy that way!" she scolded. Loki turned around.

"I am a god, you female whale, and I—" the lady gasped at Loki's insult and instantly took out some pepper spray from her purse. I tried to prevent it, but I failed and she sprayed Loki in the eyes. He screamed throughout the entire ride, but I don't think it was the rollercoaster.

When the ride was over, I got out of the cart and opened the door to Loki's. His eyes were red and bloodshot and there was a pool of yellow vomit in his lap. The redheaded boy was green in the face. I took Loki's hand and helped him up. He put his head on my shoulder.

"I'm sorry Loki," I said. "Usually Disneyland is more fun. Do you want to go to Cinderella's castle?"

"Frankly Amelia, I just want to go home, take a bath, and go to bed. I have been whacked, sprayed, and vomited on…Midgard hates me."

"It'll get better," I said, feeling sorry for him. He just had terrible luck, but I guess Disneyland was just one of those places where you either have a great time, or something goes wrong and your day ends up being the worst ever.

On our way out, we ran into several princesses. Snow White, Rapunzel, and Ariel were all there at the exit. As soon as Loki saw them, he bowed and reached out his hand.

"Your majesties," he said. They blushed, thinking he was flirting. He kissed their hands and began asking them where their kingdoms were and who were the kings. They told him their Disney stories and I laughed to myself. Loki believed their stories to be true. He was so cute.

"Those princess maidens were fascinating," he said as we left. "Did you know the long haired one was locked up for eighteen years?"


	4. Goldfish

**(Author's Note: New episode! Enjoy!)**

**Episode #4 – Goldfish**

I decided that the best way to teach Loki compassion and gentleness for others was to give him something to take care of. Not a human or a dog, he would not be ready for that. So I figured we should start small. I had just gotten out of a meeting I had with my online professors. I went to college online, and once in a while I had to meet with my professors so I could move up in my classes. Today was one of those days. As soon as I got out, I went to the pet store.

"Loki!" I called, entering my apartment. "I have something for you!" Loki poked his head out from behind the counter in the kitchen, white powder all over his hair and face.

"One moment," he said. I went into the kitchen to find Loki on the floor, covered in flour. "I was reaching for the balls of cheese, and I spilled the bag of white dirt." I laughed a little at seeing Loki covered in flour from head to toe.

"That's okay," I replied. "I'll sweep it up. But come here. I brought you something." Loki stood up and I set a round fish bowl on the counter. "It's a goldfish." Loki stooped down to peer in at the little orange fish, swimming around in the bowl.

"Thank you, but it is far too small for me to eat," he said.

"You're not supposed to eat it; you take care of it. It's a pet; like Jenko. That reminds me, I should keep Jenko away from this little guy or else he might eat him." Loki studied the fish.

"Oh. Alright, I suppose I shall care for it if it makes you happy. Why do you keep it in this round confinement?"

"That's a fishbowl. It lives there. How about you give it a name?"

"I suppose so. I shall call it Loki, of Fishbowl." That made me laugh; Loki naming his fish after himself. I handed him the fish flakes.

"Here. This is what you feed it. You take a couple of flakes and sprinkle them in the bowl. You only have to do this once a day, and that's pretty much all there is to it. You have to clean the bowl too, but only when it gets green and dirty." Loki nodded, and continued watching his fish.

The days went by and Loki seemed content with his fish, feeding him flakes, or so I thought. Three days later I walked into the kitchen and found Loki sticking a cheese ball in the fishbowl.

"Eat it, you sniveling fool," Loki commanded the goldfish.

"Loki what are you doing?" I asked.

"Trying to feed the orange creature," he said. "This is hard. I am going to kill it I think."

"No! No killing. You need to be gentle. It eats flakes."

"But they taste terrible! I was just trying to feed it something more sustaining." Well, I thought, at least he was looking out for its best interests. That was a start.

"But fish like flakes. They can't eat cheese balls."

"Why do you always tell me what to do? You should be glad I let you; if anyone else tried to command me like you, they would be dead! How come everything I do is wrong?" I could tell he was mad at me. I decided to just let him feed the fish a cheese ball.

"I'm just trying to help you here, Loki," I said. "But fine. Feed it a cheese ball. But please don't kill it, okay?" Loki let out a frustrated sigh.

"You have my word," he growled. I started to leave, but then I remembered Loki's words.

"Wait, Loki…you ate the fish flakes?"

"Yes. Is that not what you do with food?"

"Not with…never mind." He took out the fish flakes and dumped the entire container into the bowl. I smiled, walking over to him.

"You're the cutest," I told Loki. I put my hands on the sides of his face and kissed him. He closed his eyes and moaned softly.

"Ooh, I cannot possibly be angry with you," he said. "You're too charming."

…

What happened to Loki's fish was my fault. I will take the heat for that one, because I should have told him. I just didn't think about the fact that he was from an entirely different planet.

I was sitting on the couch watching Seinfeld when Loki came and sat beside me with a worried look on his face.

"I must formally apologize in advance," he said. I turned to him.

"What? What happened?"

"I was going to clean the bowl of fish like you requested, so I took the orange creature out of the bowl…and now it is dead." Loki held up his dead goldfish and hung his head in shame. "…I'm sorry."

"Well Loki, sweetie, fish can only breathe in water. Don't you have fish in Asgard?"

"Our fish are different. They can store water in their lungs. Are you angry with me?"

"No. You didn't mean it; I should have told you. But we should dispose of it now probably. Come on." I took Loki and the newly deceased Loki of Fishbowl to the bathroom and told Loki to put him in the toilet.

"Honestly? Such disrespect…" he said, but he obeyed.

"Would you like to say anything?" I asked.

"My apologies, Loki of Fishbowl. May your reward be great in Valhalla." He turned to me. "Was that alright?" I nodded, and flushed the fish down the toilet. I pat Loki's shoulder.

"You tried," I said. Loki nodded. "I'm proud of you."

"I didn't hate it," he said. "I usually hate things."

"You did a good job," I told him. Loki looked at the toilet.

"Life is so fragile on Midgard. Such cruel fate."


	5. Football

**(Author's Note: So sorry this took so long! I've got two stories going on right now, so bear with me! Let me know what you think! :))**

**Episode #5 – Football**

"What is this place?" asked Loki, as we tried to find our seats in the football stadium.

"A stadium. Football is like, the American sport. Men love it. I think you'll like it too," I replied. I finally found our row and we squeezed past a few people and sat down. "You're supposed to watch down there," I told Loki. "It hasn't started yet, but I'll tell you when."

"Midgardians enjoy this…'football'?" Loki asked.

"Yep," I said. "We spend too much time and too much money on it, but people love it, so I figured you should get to experience it."

"Alright. Well thank you." I smiled at Loki and held his hand. I decided to explain the game to him while we waited.

"Okay, so there are two teams: one on the right, and one on the left. You can tell them apart by their different colored uniforms and the symbols on their helmets. There is one ball and the teams try to get it to the other team's goal, see? It's that big yellow thing that looks like a Y. Every time they do that they get like 7 points I think, and whoever has the most points at the end wins." Loki looked more confused than a chameleon in a bag of skittles.

"I don't understand," he said. I pat him on the back.

"That's okay. Just watch and you'll get the hang of it." Loki sighed in frustration and looked around the floor at his feet. He picked up a peanut and ate it.

"Loki, don't eat that!" I said. He swallowed it.

"You can't pull that one Amelia! I've seen these, and know for a fact that it is food."

"No, I mean it's dirty. You don't know how long it's been there, or where it came from. It's not safe." Loki huffed.

"I don't like all the rules here. I can't wear my armor, I can't carry my scepter or daggers, I can't kill people whenever I feel like it, I can't take things without giving people green parchment, and I can't call people fat when they are obviously obese!"

"Shh, calm down," I said.

"Oh, and now I can't yell—"

"—No, look. The game is starting."

"Oh." Loki looked down to the field and the two teams were facing each other. The referee placed the football in between them and backed up. When he blew the whistle, the teams tackled each other, all scrambling for the ball.

"Ooh! You didn't tell me it was a battle!" Loki said excitedly. "Where are their weapons? They could kill more people with weapons. It will go awfully slow if they go about it in that way they are doing." I laughed, and instead of telling him that they weren't fighting, decided to let him enjoy it the way he wanted to. Loki got really excited when the guy with the ball ran across the field and got tackled to the ground by another guy.

There was a really fat man in the seat (or should I say seats) yelling really loud at the teams. It was obnoxious. I am polite, so I tolerated it, but Loki did not have that kind of tact for other beings. He put his hand on the man's shoulder and squeezed it.

"Ow!" the man said, turning around with an angry expression.

"For the love of Valhalla, SHUT UP!" Loki commanded.

"Whoa man, who do you think you are?!" said the man angrily. Loki turned up his nose in pride.

"I am Loki, of Asga—"

"—Yeah I don't care! Don't touch me!" the man raised the hot dog he was holding and smashed it into Loki's face, getting mustard all over him. Loki gritted his teeth, but before he could say anything else I sunk my fingernails into his arm.

"Ow, OW! Amelia!" he said, turning to me.

"Sorry, but you need to let it go," I said. "Maybe this is how you solve problems in Asgard, but it doesn't work that well here." Loki crossed his arms and sat back in his seat.

"It's a good thing I love you, because if I didn't, I wouldn't listen and I would stab him until his blood soaked my boots."

"Well thank you for your self control," I said.

"OOH!" Loki suddenly exclaimed, startling me quite a bit. I looked down at the field where he was focusing his attention and saw one player clutching his leg; injured. "Finally, some progress." I looked at Loki, who just smiled back at me. I just shook my head and watched the game. Occasionally I heard Loki mumble some things at the players. He was getting more into it than I, and that made me happy. I was glad he liked something.

"They aren't killing _anyone_! If I were engaging in this 'football', I would be the best. In fact, I might do just that," Loki said. I laughed, and continued watching the game. One guy got a touchdown; a really close one too. I tried to elbow Loki, but when my elbow didn't hit anything, I looked to my side to find Loki gone.

Well shoot.

A shot of panic ran through me as I thought of where the heck he could be. What if he was threatening someone? What if he said something and got arrested when I wasn't looking? I hated to say it, but that man needed human supervision. I looked around frantically for him until I looked down at the field to see a raven-haired man in a horned helmet and golden armor AMONGST THE FOOTBALL PLAYERS. Loki had gone down to the field.

I didn't know he was really going to intervene; I thought he was just saying that! I stood up and decided I had to go get him. I couldn't let whatever was going to happen happen. I slipped past people in the seats through the row and most of them gave me the death glare because they knew I was with Loki.

They closed in on Loki's face on the jumbo-tron , with a mischievous smile on his face.

"People," he said. "I will teach you the ways of proper battle!" I put my face in my hand. I loved him; but…he just needed to be a little less social right now. He raised his scepter and smiled, and I heard the announcers commenting as Loki stalked the field.

"This guy just ran onto the field in some kind of costume. Is the Renaissance Fair nearby? We don't know, but we're anxious to see what this guy is gonna do. The ref for the Rangers is pretty mad, but if I were him I wouldn't mess with this mysterious stranger. Oh, look he has a spear. That could be dangerous. Don't worry folks, we'll get back to the game in a moment."

I looked for a way to get on the field and concluded that the only way was through the back, so I raced to the back of the stadium to find the stairs. A chubby man who seriously needed to shave stopped me on my way out.

"Is that guy with you?" he asked.

"Um…yeah," I replied. He smiled and held up his hand for a high five.

"Right on." I high fived him to be polite and hurried on my way to the field. When I got down there, Loki was in a fighting stance and was about to attack one of the players. Adrenaline rushed through me.

"Loki, NO!" But he didn't listen to me. He lunged at one of the players and knocked him to the ground. Suddenly the two of them were surrounded by other team members and referees, trying to pry Loki off of the poor football player. I rushed onto the field, and when they finally managed to get Loki off the man…he wasn't in good shape. They had to take the poor guy out on a stretcher.

"Loki, what are you doing?!" I asked him. He looked over at me.

"I wanted to fight. They were doing it completely wrong."

"Loki they weren't fighting…" I said, my face in my hand again.

"What?" Suddenly the cops showed up and put Loki's hands behind him in handcuffs. "I order you to stop, mortal! Don't you know who I am?"

"Sure," said the officer.

"Wait, officer, please don't arrest him!" I said. "He doesn't know…"

"Is this man with you?" asked the officer.

"Yes."

"Is he mentally stable?"

"Well yes, he just isn't from here."

"I'm sorry ma'am, we have to take him in."

"Wait, how about he just does like, community service or something? Please? I promise it won't happen again; I am responsible for him." The officer sighed.

"Okay, well since I'm tired and just wanna go home and watch Dance Moms—don't judge me—I'll let him go. But he has to clean up after the game."

"Yes sir," I said. The officer un-handcuffed Loki and shoved him toward me. I quickly took his hand and we walked off the field.

"Loki, what were you thinking?" I said as we walked.

"You are angry? That is a shame; I thought we were having fun. I had a marvelous time." I couldn't help but smile. I decided to let it go; he didn't understand, and to try and make him would just cheapen his experience.

"You're right Loki," I said, leaning my head on his shoulder. "We had a great time." He smiled and kissed the top of my head.

"Next time I'll teach them how to hit better," Loki said.

"You know, I think you'd really enjoy Boxing."

"Boxing? What is that?"

"It's where two guys punch each other until one bleeds and begs him to stop pretty much." Loki's face lit up like a Christmas tree.

"REALLY? Oh we must see that! Amelia, I think I am getting used to Midgard."


	6. Roller Skating

**(Author's Note: I'm SO sorry this one took so long to get out! I am seriously writing three fanfictions at once right now including this one, so the updates may be a little far apart; I'm estimating like a week and a half between them. But I hope this one was worth the wait, enjoy!)**

* * *

**Episode #6 – Roller Skating**

"Come…ON!" I said, trying to pull Loki out the door of my apartment. He was resisting. I told him we should do something fun, so I was going to teach him to roller skate, but he didn't want to go this time.

"No! Every time we go somewhere there are all these rules I have to follow!" Loki protested.

"But this is a roller skating rink! We're going to have FUN Loki!" I yanked on his arm again and he stumbled through the door. I quickly locked it and smirked at Loki. He crossed his arms.

"I thought we were having fun in there," he said. "Kissing you is extremely fun."

"Yeah but I wanted to do this before I forgot. Okay, how about this? How about if you go to the skating rink with me and let me teach you to roller skate, I'll let you make out with me in the back seat of the car after." Loki smiled.

"I suppose that's fair," he said, finally satisfied. On our way to my car, he tapped my shoulder.

"Amelia, what is 'roller skating'?"

…

When we got to the rink, Loki's eyes grew wide. He stared at the people's feet as they whirled around the skating ring. I tugged at his arm so we could get our skates.

"Wait, Amelia look! They have tiny vehicles on their _feet_!" he exclaimed.

"I know; we're going to get some too. What size shoe do you wear?" I looked down at his foot, which I realized was extremely huge. "Oh my God Loki, your feet are humongous!" Loki looked down.

"What? No they're not! They're quite small compared to others in Asgard. Your feet are small."

"Well I'm going to estimate maybe a size thirteen or so," I said. I began walking in the direction of the skate counter when Loki pulled me back again.

"You know, your hair looks quite lovely today," he said softly.

"Loki, quit lusting after me and let's go get our skates. I told you I'd kiss you in the car."

"But you're so lust-worthy!" Loki said as I approached the skate counter.

"Women's six and Men's thirteen, please," I said. The skate guy handed me the skates and I handed the thirteens to Loki. "Do you need me to help you put them on?"

"No," he replied. "I'm perfectly capable of putting on foot vehicles, thank you very much."

When I finished tying my laces, I looked over at Loki. He didn't even have the skate on his foot yet. I smiled at him.

"Don't look at me like that; I know what I'm doing," he said.

"It's okay if you need me to help you—"

"—No! I can do it." Loki fiddled with the roller skate and tried to pull it on his foot. "Blasted foot vehicle." I smiled at him.

"Let me help you," I said, and Loki pouted while I put his roller skates on. I helped him stand up.

"I could have done it myself," he said.

"I know," I said, humoring him. "Let's go to the rink and I'll teach you how to skate." I started toward the rink with my skates but Loki didn't even get to take a step before he fell flat on his back. I looked down at him and tried not to laugh.

"I don't think I like these," he said. I helped him up.

"You just have to know how to use them." I held on to Loki's arms as we carefully stepped on to the skating circle. People whizzed by us, and Loki jerked back a little.

"This ground is even slicker that the other one!" he exclaimed.

"Here, you know what, I'll demonstrate for you and you hold onto the wall," I said. Loki nodded and I started skating. "You don't take steps, you just let the skates do the work and shift your weight to keep your balance." I skated around the rink in synch with the other skaters and Loki called out to me.

"All those words you just said don't mean anything to me!"

"Just do what I do!" I skated around the circle and waved at Loki as I whizzed past. He was still clinging to the wall. Every time I came around he glared at me. However, the last time I came around, he wasn't there. _Oh good_, I thought. _I guess he got the hang of it_. I looked around for him, and someone tapped my lower back. I looked behind me and saw a little girl no more than seven, with Loki roughly hanging on to her shoulders as he tried not to fall again. I stopped skating and took the two to the side.

"Loki! You can't just hitch a ride on a little girl!" I scolded. "You could have damaged her back; children are fragile! What if her parents are around here, you could get in trouble!" I apologized to the child, and sent her back into the skating circle. Loki was on the ground again.

"So you expect me just to cling to the wall the entire time? She was doing fine pulling me along."

"Loki you can't do that to children. You could have hurt her. You could have been arrested." Loki pressed his lips together.

"…She wasn't complaining." I sighed and extended my hand to help him back up again.

"Okay new plan. You do nothing. Just stand here and I'll push you. Okay? Nothing at all. Don't move."

"I understand."

Loki stood still as I had commanded him and I began pushing him slowly. It was working rather well, and I worked us back into the circle.

"See? Not so bad," I said.

"I suppose," Loki replied. "Go faster." I did, and Loki kept demanding that I push him even _faster_. Although I probably should have seen this coming, Loki sped out of my reach and out of the circle…face-planting into the wall. He was knocked down quickly, and I flinched. I skated to him to find that his nose had started bleeding. He looked up at me.

"Alright, I'm done. Get these foot vehicles off of me."

"Oh Loki, are you okay? Here, let me see." I knelt down to him and he put his hand up to his face.

"I'm going to bleed everywhere if I don't stop it soon," he said. I helped him up for like the fourth time, and led him to the bench. I untied his skates and pulled them off his feet.

"You sit here and I'm going to get a tissue," I said. Loki nodded, a defeated look on his face. I felt sorry for him. Everywhere I took him, it seemed bad things often happened to him. He was such a good sport.

I returned the skates to the counter and retrieved several paper towels from the bathroom. I handed them to Loki and he held his nose with them. I sat next to him.

"I'm sorry Loki," I said. "I shouldn't have made you do this. …But thanks for doing it anyway and putting up with me. You're awesome." He looked over at me and held my hand.

Just then, the little girl who was dragging him around earlier skated over to us. She was cute, with short blonde hair, crystal blue eyes and one missing tooth. She looked at Loki.

"It's okay; that happened to my brother on his first time skating. Next time I'll teach you how to do it good like me." She smiled and held out her hand. Loki extended his free hand and she shook it. Loki then patted her on the head and nodded to her in thanks. She grinned and then skated off to rejoin the circle.

When we got back in the car, Loki was still holding the paper towels to his nose and he looked over at me from the passenger's seat.

"When this stops," he said, his voice muffled from the paper towels, "you owe me." He gestured to the back seat. I smiled at him.


	7. Hide and Seek

**Episode #7 – Hide And Seek**

The power had gone out.

We were having a major blizzard, and the power in my entire apartment complex went completely out. Loki and I were sitting on the couch watching wrestling (not by my choice) and right when the Rock was about to slam Hulk Hogan, it went dark. I freaked out a little. In truth, the dark is not my favorite. It took me by surprise, so I jumped and fell off the couch onto the table.

"Amelia, are you alright?" asked Loki, blindly reaching out for me. I felt his hand on the top of my head and grabbed it, letting him help me back onto the couch.

"Yeah I'm fine," I said. "Just got a little startled."

"I wanted to see Dwayne, Son of John, slam that other man into the floor! Now it is dark."

"The power went out. We can watch some more when it comes back on."

"When will that be?"

"I don't know. It could be a while, judging by the weather. I'll just try to find some flashlights and candles and that should help." I stood up and Loki came with me.

"Fear not fair maiden," Loki said. He used his Asgard magic stuff and summoned his blue scepter. He held it and suddenly it shone a very bright blue light. I could see my entire apartment.

"Awesome!" I said. "Loki thanks, we can see! Everything is blue, but at least we can see it!" He smiled.

"Unfortunately I cannot return the power to the television," he said.

"That's okay, we can think of something to do. I actually have an idea just now. We can play Hide and Seek!"

"Explain," Loki said, making it clear that he had no idea what the heck Hide and Seek was. Asgard sounded pretty fancy, so I was sure he had never played it before. But I was the kind of person that wanted a boyfriend that would do dumb stuff with me and we'd still have a boatload of fun. I smiled at him.

"Hide and Seek is a game where one person hides somewhere in the apartment, and the other person counts to ten and then looks for them. Then when they find the other person, it's their turn to hide." Loki looked like he understood.

"It sounds rather frivolous," he said.

"It's a common game that little kids play, but I think it's fun anyway."

"Very well, I will play." Loki set his scepter down on the kitchen counter and turned to me.

"Okay, I'll hide first, and you come find me. Cover your eyes and count to ten." Loki put his hands over his eyes.

"One…two…three…four," he said. As I was looking quickly for a place to hide, he opened an eye behind his right hand.

"Loki, you can't peek!"

"Then how am I supposed to know where you are?"

"That's the point! You aren't supposed to know. You look for me and when you find me you win."

"Oh," said Loki, covering his eyes again. "I knew that." He resumed counting. I quickly and quietly climbed into the laundry basket in the bathroom, and then heard Loki, who was still standing between the living room and the kitchen.

"I am finished counting Amelia!" he said. "I'm coming to look for you now." I made sure to be really quiet as I listened for Loki. I heard him opening cabinets in the kitchen. Then he opened the fridge.

_Why would I be in the fridge?_ I thought.

I heard him shuffling things around in the living room for a while until he came closer. I held my breath, but then had an idea. When Loki entered the bathroom, I busted out of the laundry basket with my arms up.

"TA DA!" I said, and Loki fell backwards into the bathtub/shower.

"Ah!" he said, rubbing the back of his head. "Amelia, I thought I was supposed to find you! You made me hit my head."

"Sorry, did I scare you?" I asked, trying not to laugh.

"No! Just _surprised_ me." I got out of the laundry basket. "So I suppose I found you in a sense."

"Yeah! Okay, now it's your turn to hide, and my turn to count! Make sure you find a spot before I get to ten!" I scampered off to the kitchen and closed my eyes. When I had counted to ten, I opened my eyes and began looking for Loki. I heard some rustling in the bathroom, so I went in there, and sure enough, Loki was trying to fit into the laundry basket.

"Loki, you can't hide in the place I just hid in! You have to pick a different spot so it's challenging to find you. Plus, if you make noise, I'm going to know where you are."

"Well you didn't say that," said Loki, lifting his leg back out of the laundry basket. I went back into the kitchen and began counting again. When I started looking for Loki, I couldn't find him anywhere. I looked in every room, every spot, every nook and cranny. But he was nowhere.

After I had searched the entire apartment for more than ten minutes, I stood in the living room.

"Okay Loki, you win! I can't find you. You can come out now." Loki suddenly appeared in front of me and I jumped back. "Hey, no fair! You can't turn invisible!"

"Amelia, why didn't you just explain all the rules at the beginning of the game?" he said. "Every time I do something, it turns out I'm not allowed to do it!"

"I didn't know you were going to pull out all the Asgardian stops," I replied, smiling at him. He smiled back. Jenko came out from under the couch and started rubbing himself on Loki's legs.

"Aw, kitty wants to play," I said.

"Let us conceal ourselves and see if he can find us," Loki said, taking my hand. We went into my bedroom, and I wiggled under the bed. I helped Loki by pulling him under and he and I giggled and waited for Jenko to find us.

"I love you Loki, you're so fun," I said. "I never really thank you for going along with all my ridiculous ideas."

"I have never met a girl as spontaneous as you, and that is why I love you," he replied. "I wouldn't fall for any petty mortal." I smiled at him and giggled again when I heard Jenko meowing in the living room, looking for us.

"We may be here for a while," said Loki. "But that is fine because I think I am stuck."


	8. Airport

**(Author's Note: Luckily I finished this one pretty quick! Just a warning though, my school starts tomorrow, so I may not be updating as often as I would like to. I will still try to as often as I can though! Enjoy!)**

* * *

**Episode #8 – Airport**

It was a very simple plan. Loki and I were going to take a short flight to Pittsburgh because I had to go to a conference for my finance class. I drugged him with sleeping pills on the way there like I always do, but then when I got to Pittsburgh, TSA confiscated them (which really doesn't make sense to me; I needed those). All I had to do was get him to behave enough so we could go back home. But the thing with Loki about behaving is that it is not in his nature to follow rules. So what was supposed to be a three-hour flight turned into a two-day problem.

"I suppose you are going to give me the sleep tablets again?" asked Loki, when we were in the taxi to go to the airport.

"Actually I've run out, so listen, okay?" Loki nodded.

"You have to try your very, very best to act like a human, okay? No killing people and no threatening, just like always. This place is different than everywhere else. If you take one step out of line, they make a big deal out of it. So just follow me and I'll tell you what to say." The taxi driver looked back at us like we were a couple of maniacs. He looked like he was sweating. Loki crossed his arms.

"I will try Amelia, but I am not promising anything. I am not overly skilled at acting mortal." Just then, the driver stopped the taxi.

"Alright now folks, here we are! Have a nice day, the ride is free!" he said anxiously. Loki and I got out and the taxi sped away. But we weren't at the airport, we were at a street pub. I looked around, hoping it was somewhere nearby.

"Oh cool, I see it!" I said. Loki and I walked the rest of the way to the airport. When we got there, I looked to Loki, about to read the rules to him again and he held a finger in front of my face.

"I know," he said. I smiled and turned around.

Everything went fine until we got to security. That's when the problems started. Loki had a thing about guys touching him. When they had to check us for weapons, they told Loki to raise his arms and stand still. He did, but right when the officer started to pat him down, he grabbed the officer by the neck and threw him to the floor.

"Loki!" I exclaimed.

"Do not touch me, pathetic mortal!" Loki commanded, and the rest of the police officers surrounded him, some with hands on their guns.

"Loki stop!" I was afraid they would shoot at him. All I wanted to do was go home, it wasn't worth getting in trouble. "Officers it's okay; he's never been at an airport before." They ignored me.

"Sir, do you have any weapons? I'd suggest you reveal them now if you do."

_Loki no…_I pleaded in my head. But Loki simply replied:

"Well of course." He used his magic to reveal his blue scepter, which by the way had a big long spear at the end of it. The officers freaked out and pulled their guns on him. Loki immediately placed it gently on the floor and put his hands up.

"Whoa…" he said. "You asked; I answered. No need to kill me."

The policemen put their guns down and instantly seized Loki and put his hands behind his back in handcuffs. Several of them noticed me and did the same to me. I didn't fight them, but Loki struggled a little.

"Loki this is serious, don't resist them!" Loki must have heard the urgency in my voice because he immediately did what I said. The cops shoved us in the back of a police car. I sat and stared; Loki had pretty much just ruined everything. I was actually pretty angry. Loki had gone and done exactly what I told him not to. I didn't talk to him.

Loki looked at me while we rode in the car and he nudged me.

"…Amelia, I—"

"—Don't Loki!" I snapped. "Don't say you're sorry; I don't care." He was taken aback. He shut his mouth and widened his eyes.

"Are you angry with me?" He asked. I kind of exploded in his face.

"Yes I'm angry Loki! You just ruined our lives! You got us _arrested! _ You did everything I told you not to do and now I have a criminal record, and it's _all your fault!"_ Loki was utterly shocked at my outburst and quickly looked away from me, his brows furrowed. I'd hurt his feelings.

I felt bad, but I didn't say anything. I was still a little ticked. Loki opened his mouth, but he didn't look at me.

"…It is considered…a good thing, to open yourself up to new experiences," he said softly. I felt really bad for snapping at him; he sounded so pathetic. Normally if anyone else had done that, he would have gotten mad and probably either killed them or threatened to. But he loved me, and I loved him, so it hurt him instead. But this was something he couldn't take back. We were going to jail, and I didn't know what to do.

I started crying. I tried not to, but when I thought of all Loki had done, and how we would probably be considered terrorists, I couldn't hold it in. Loki looked at me and his expression changed to a look of concern. He scooted over to and leaned on me.

"I'm sorry Amelia," he said. "Please don't cry. Here, I'll sing you one of those Midgardian songs you like." He thought for a moment, and then began singing in a soothing voice.

_There's a stranger in my bed, there's a pounding in my head,_

_Glitter all over the room, pink flamingoes in the pool,_

_I smell like a mini-bar, DJ's passed out in the yard—_

That really made me feel better. I burst into laughter and Loki stopped singing. He must have heard Katy Perry on my Pandora. He smiled at me.

"I had no idea 'Last Friday Night' could be turned into a lullaby," I said. Loki kissed my cheek.

"I'm sorry," he said. I decided to forgive him. We'd figure something out.

When we got to the police station, they took our mug shots and then asked us for our information. The cop writing up the paperwork took a second glance at Loki.

"Hey, aren't you the Avenger Thor's brother? Loki?" Loki rolled his eyes and nodded.

"In a sense," he replied. The policeman immediately got out his walkie-talkie.

"Mike, I gotta call Fury."

They threw us in a jail cell. Until this 'Fury' could sort things out with Loki's brother, we were stuck in there. There was nothing but a bench inside and Loki and I sat side by side. The only good thing was that our handcuffs were off.

"Ugh…" Loki moaned. "I need to use the washroom."

"You're just going to have to hold it," I said. "You got us into this."

"They asked me if I had a weapon, and I said yes! What is wrong about that?"

"For one thing, you assaulted an officer. And for another thing, you aren't supposed to have weapons at the airport. You should have said no."

"So now you _want_ me to lie? I do not understand this planet!" I just smiled at him.

Eventually Loki got to where he really, really had to go to the bathroom. I was afraid he was going to have an accident. He would die of humiliation if that happened, and I would die of pity. He stuck his hand through the bars and called out to a policeman.

"Excuse me," he said. "May I use the washroom?"

"No," replied the policeman. Loki gritted his teeth, but contained himself as he thought of something else.

"But my lady is having lady problems."

The policeman then came to the cell and took me out of it by my arm, but left Loki in. He took me to the bathroom and when I came back, Loki was sitting on the bench with his legs crossed. I reentered the cell and Loki grabbed my arm.

"I am _dying_ Amelia," he said.

"Just try to think of something else; something really dry. Like, chapped lips on an old person in the desert." Loki winced, and addressed the officer once more.

"I have to go _now_, please!"

"Nope."

"I swear to you, if you do not let me go now, I will—!" Loki stopped himself before he threatened the officer. _Aw_, I thought. _He's learning_. "—Sit here…until you let me out." Loki sat back and crossed his legs again.

"Look on the bright side," I said. "Now we can both cross 'going to jail' off our bucket lists."

"I wish I had a bucket…" was Loki's only reply.


	9. Babysitting: Part 1

**(Author's Note: Honestly, this has to be my favorite one I've written so far! Only it was a bit long, so I'm breaking it up into two parts. Here is part 1, and part 2 will be coming soon! Enjoy!)**

* * *

**Episode #9 – Babysitting Part 1**

"You have to promise to be nice to them. You promise?"

"By the Norns, I swear I will be civil toward your child relatives," Loki replied to my making him promise not to be a jerk.

My cousin Wesley was going to be in town, and he needed me to babysit his kids for a day. (He didn't know that I was currently dating the very man that tried to take over our entire planet, and I wasn't about to tell him.) He had two little girls; one seven years old and the other five, and one 4-month-old baby boy. He told me on the phone that he had a very important job interview and I told him I would be obliged. Plus, it was good for Loki to be around children so he could get used to them and know how to act. So yes, today I would babysit them, with Loki's help.

"So when are these children expected to arrive?" asked Loki.

"At ten o'clock. It is now nine thirty, so we have thirty minutes to kill until they get here. So I suggest we search Netflix for kid movies; so they'll have something to keep them occupied," I replied. Loki nodded and then looked up at me with confusion.

"Net-flicks?"

"It's okay, I'll do it."

…

"AMELIA! It's that dinging sound again!" yelled Loki from the living room. I was in my bedroom, getting out some of my old dolls for the girls to play with when the doorbell rang. Loki didn't really understand how it worked.

"It means they're here," I said, entering the living room. Loki looked at the floor and then up at me.

"Amelia…" he said. "I haven't really had very much, er, experience with children…"

"You'll do fine," I said, patting his shoulder.

I unlocked the door and Wesley stood there smiling at me. He gave me a hug.

"Good to see you again, cuz! Thanks so much for babysitting my little rascals," he said.

"No problem," I replied. I looked down at the two girls. The oldest one, seven years old, had golden-blonde hair and brown eyes. She smiled at me. The five year old had darker blonde hair and she cuddled a large blue teddy bear. I smiled down at them.

"Valerie, Lily, this is Amelia. She's going to watch you guys while Daddy runs errands, okay?" said Wesley.

"Hi girls," I said. "We're going to have lots of fun!" Lily, the younger one, looked behind me, and I felt Loki's hand on my back. "Oh Wesley, this is my boyfriend Loki." Thankfully, Wesley didn't seem to recognize him. I smiled and nodded at Loki to shake Wesley's hand when he held it out.

"It's a pleasure meeting you," said Loki quietly. I let the girls inside and Wesley handed me the baby carrier with little 4-month-old Ruxon in it.

"Aw, he's sleeping," I whispered, trying not to wake him. I gave Wesley another hug.

"Good luck with your interview, and call if you get worried!"

"I will, thanks!" I closed the door after him and turned to Loki and the children.

"Alright kids, what do you want to do?" I asked. "I have dollies to play with, and movies, and we can make snacks…"

"Let's make peanut butter and jelly!" said Valerie.

"OOH!" blurted Loki, putting his hands in the air. "I know this one! You taught me how to make those last moon." I laughed.

"I sure did, you want to help them make it, Loki?" I suddenly got an overwhelming feeling of love for that man. He was excited about helping me with the kids; his eyes sparkled. He nodded and headed to the kitchen with Valerie.

"Uh oh," said little Lily, her face in her bear. I knelt down to her.

"What is it sweetie?" I asked.

"Daddy left his briefcase," she mumbled. I turned around and opened the door, and sure enough, Wesley had left his briefcase in front of my apartment. Shoot. He needed that for his interview.

I had to bring it to him.

"Hey Loki," I said. "Can I see you for a minute?"

"Oh no, what did I do?"

"No no, it's nothing like that," I reassured him. I couldn't believe I was about to trust him so much all of the sudden. He came over to me and I put my hands on his shoulders.

"Okay, here's the thing. Wesley left his briefcase, and he really needs it. So, I need to bring it to him. I promise I won't be gone long."

"Whoa, wait a moment," said Loki. "Are you leaving? Are you leaving me here with the tiny mortals?"

"Just for a second! I just need you to hold down the fort for a couple minutes while I'm gone, okay?" Fear flashed into Loki's eyes but quickly left, and he sighed.

"Alright. I can do this. I am going to prove myself to you," he said. I smiled and kissed the tip of his nose.

"Good," I said. "I will return. Don't forget about the baby!"

…

From what Loki told me about when I was gone, this is what happened:

"Why is it doing that?!" Loki asked frantically, knelt over baby Ruxon's carrier. "Why is it wailing?!" Valerie stood beside him.

"You have to take him out," she said. Loki looked at her, unsure.

"I don't…know how to hold it," he confessed.

"Haven't you ever held a baby before?" she asked, unbuckling the baby from his seat. She picked him up and handed him to Loki. With wide eyes, Loki held his hands out and took the baby from her, holding it away from him. Ruxon was still crying.

"How do I make it stop?!" he asked.

"Hold him closer," said Valerie, matter-of-factly. "Hold him to your chest." Loki did as she said, awkwardly standing there with the child.

"He smells foul!" exclaimed Loki.

"You have to change his diaper," said Valerie. "Come on." She led Loki to the couch and commanded him set the baby on it. He did.

"Take off his pants," she said.

"Are you sure?" Loki asked, bewildered at the command. Valerie nodded. Lily giggled as she watched Loki place the baby's pants beside him with a disturbed look on his face.

"Now open the diaper."

"The puffy white thing?"

"Yes."

"What? No! That is an invasion of this mortal's privacy!"

"He's a baby; you have to change his diaper!" Valerie said, throwing her hands out in front of her.

"Amelia, hurry," Loki whispered to himself as he took off the baby's diaper. "OH MY GOD." Lily giggled and Valerie held her nose.

"OH MY GOD," Loki said again. "WHAT KIND OF CRUEL TRICKERY IS THIS? IS THIS…IS THIS…OH NO! NO NO NO! I AM NOT GOING ANYWHERE NEAR THIS TINY MORTAL'S EXCREMENT!"

"You _have_ to!" said Valerie, giggling. "You have to wipe him clean and put a clean diaper on him." Loki looked at her with horror. She handed him the wipes. Loki shook his head.

"No," he said. "No I will not!"

"Fine you big baby, I'll do it." Valerie pushed Loki aside and he scowled at her.

"I am not a baby! I am a man! A man with standards, do you understand?!" Lily giggled from behind Valerie.

"Chicken!" she laughed. Loki crossed his arms.

"I am not!"

Valerie finished changing Ruxon's diaper, and held the dirty one in Loki's face. He backed away, and she laughed.

"Chicken, chicken!" the two girls chanted. Valerie came nearer to Loki with the diaper, and he backed away quicker and quicker until she was chasing him around the apartment with it.

"I order you to stop!" he yelled, jumping over the coffee table. They chased after him faster and cornered him in the bathroom. He turned to them and widened his eyes.

"Stop it, NOW!" he ordered harshly, and the little girls' smiles faded. Lily began to sniffle. Loki's hard expression turned to one of fear. "Oh no, don't cry. Please, anything but that." He suddenly felt terrible for yelling at them. Valerie put the diaper in the trash and hugged her sister.

"It's okay Lily," she said. "He's just a bully."

"I am not a bully!" Loki said. "I didn't mean to make her cry." He knelt down to Lily and studied what Valerie was doing. He held his arms out like she did, and wrapped them loosely around Lily, in a very awkward hug. He stroked her hair.

"I am sorry," he said. "I do not want you to be sad." Lily wiped her eyes and looked up at Loki.

"I forgive you," she said, and hugged him tightly. Loki sat still, startled by the show of affection, and slowly began to smile.

"Let's play dollies!" suggested Valerie. Lily nodded in agreement.

"I know not what this 'dollies' is that you speak of, but I will participate after I retrieve the small mortal," Loki said, feeling happier in the presence of the two children. He went into the living room and picked up baby Ruxon, putting him back in his carrier to go to sleep. Valerie grabbed his arm and dragged him to the bedroom.

"You have to be Jana, and I get to be Tracy!" she said.

"What?"

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**TO BE CONTINUED…**


	10. Babysitting: Part 2

**(Author's Note: Here we go, Part 2! Thank you to all of my reviews! And Shadow - you really need to get an account so I can thank you! ;) Enjoy, people!)**

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**Episode #10 – Babysitting Part 2**

"Jana, that skirt is really ugly," said Valerie as her doll Tracy. Loki scowled.

"I happen to like this skirt!" he said in his best woman voice. "My devilishly handsome boyfriend named Loki got it for me!" Valerie laughed, rolling on her side. Loki laughed too, at the sight of the little girl. He set his doll in front of her.

"Don't laugh at me Tracy; you're just jealous that your mediocre boyfriend doesn't buy you pretty skirts!" Lily started laughing as well.

Just then, they heard the cry of little baby Ruxon from his carrier in the living room.

"Oh no, does this mean we have to change his dipper again?" asked Loki dreadfully.

"_Diaper_," corrected Valerie. "And he's probably hungry instead."

"What am I supposed to do then?" asked Loki, entering the living room with the two girls. "I can't feed it; I am not a woman, and you are not of age."

"You don't have to be a girl, silly," said Valerie.

"You feed him his bottle," chimed Lily. Valerie fetched the 'bottle' from the baby's bag and brought it to Loki. He examined it with a puzzled look on his face.

"So this is a mortal's replacement for a breast?" he asked. Lily giggled.

"Yeah. Mommy can't always feed him so we have to give him his bottle," said Valerie.

"Oh, I see." Loki lifted Ruxon out of his carrier and held the bottle in front of him. "Here baby. Take it."

"He can't hold it!" Lily said. "You have to put it in his mouth."

"But you have to be sitting," said Valerie. Loki sat on the couch and put the bottle in the baby's mouth. He began sucking on it, and Loki held it there.

"Oh," he said. "…This small mortal is rather endearing."

"My teacher said he was the cutest baby she's ever seen," Valerie said.

"Yes," replied Loki. "Cute. I quite like him, despite his foul odor." As Loki sat there, feeding baby Ruxon, he felt something he had never felt before. He didn't know what it was, but it made him want to hold the baby closer, sort of like…affection. He remembered when he was little, his mother used to kiss his forehead before he went to bed. He kissed the baby's forehead, and it pleased him. The baby then closed his eyes. A wave of fear came over Loki.

"Oh no I killed it!"

"No no," said Valerie. "He's going to sleep." Loki let out a sigh of relief. He did not want to hurt this small mortal under any circumstances.

When the baby had fallen completely asleep again, Loki put him back in his carrier and turned to the two girls.

"So how is it that the two of you know so much about caring for this tiny mortal?" he asked.

"Our mommy and daddy taught us," replied Lily.

"Let's watch a movie!" suggested Valerie.

"Okay," agreed Loki. He sat on the couch and the two girls sat on opposite sides of him. Valerie took the remote. She surfed the movies and looked up at Loki.

"How about The Shining?"

"Sounds good to me," Loki said.

That was a mistake, and as the movie progressed, Loki began to realize it. He had never seen a movie such as this; it was frightening. When the murderer screamed,

"HERE'S JOHNNY!" Loki and Lily screamed, clinging to each other.

"Guys it's not real," said Valerie.

"This is brutal!" said Loki. "I have never stricken so much fear into my victims!"

"What?"

"Nothing. Um, let's turn this off and watch something a little more…appropriate for children. How about that one? Family Guy."

That was a mistake too. After the last joke, Loki realized it.

"Oh! Okay, that is enough! Such crude humor! Funny, but terribly crude. Let's do something else. The kitchen is a mess, and Amelia will have my head if it isn't clean by the time she gets back, so let us do that and then get back to whatever it is you children would like to do."

"But that will take forever!" protested Lily.

"Ah darling, but I have a different way of cleaning." Loki used his magic to make all the dishes float in midair. The looks on the girls' faces were priceless.

"Wow!" exclaimed Lily. "You can do magic!" Loki smiled.

"Yes I can, but it's a secret," he said. The dishes floated above the girls' heads and they looked up at them. They began to dance around, climbing on the couch and trying to catch the plates in the air. However, when Lily reached for one, she toppled over the couch and Loki rushed to catch her. He lost focus of his magic and all the dishes fell onto the floor and shattered. Valerie let out a startled scream. Loki caught Lily and set her on her feet, looking around at the broken dishes.

"Uh oh," said Lily. Loki sighed.

"Amelia's going to kill me."

"We can help you pick it up," said Valerie.

"No no," said Loki. "Don't touch it. You may cut yourself, and if you bleed I don't know how to fix it. Step carefully over here to the couch and I'll retrieve the baby." The two girls sat on the couch and Loki lifted baby Ruxon, careful not to wake him. All four of them sat on the couch.

…

Valerie was the one to open the door when I returned from giving Wesley his briefcase. He had just noticed he forgot it when I gave it to him, and I told him that the children were in very good hands with Loki (however I wasn't quite sure myself). When Valerie opened the door, there were shards of what used to be plates and bowls everywhere. I gasped.

"What happened?" I asked.

"Shh!" Valerie said, her finger over her mouth. She whispered: "Loki showed us a magic trick, but then Lily was going to fall off the couch and he had to catch her." I would have been mad, but then it occurred to me that Loki was trying to protect Lily, like a responsible babysitter. That made me happy.

"Why do we have to be quiet?" I whispered to Valerie. She motioned me over to the couch and I stepped over the broken dishes. When I peered over the couch, I saw Loki lying on his back asleep, with baby Ruxon sleeping on his chest and Lily on his legs. I smiled to myself, and took out my phone and got a picture. Perhaps he had behaved and proven himself a worthy babysitter.

About an hour later, Wesley came to get his kids, and they all hugged Loki goodbye.

"Goodbye Valerie, goodbye Lily," he said. When I shut the door behind them, I turned back to Loki, who looked a bit sad to see them go. He looked up at me.

"Amelia…do you think possibly, someday we could have some children?"

I smiled and kissed him.


	11. Jello Shots

**WARNING! THIS EPISODE IS RATED_ T_, FOR JELLO SHOTS AND SUGGESTIVE HUMOR. So if you are under 13 or get easily offended, I would advise you to not read this one. Sorry, but I just thought Loki and Jello shots would be really funny, and honestly I don't want any reviews telling me that this isn't appropriate for the rating. I know, so that's why I'm saying this. Don't say I didn't warn ya.**

**But if you are totally okay with alcoholic gelatin and drunk Lokis, read on and enjoy! :)**

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**Episode #11 – Jello Shots**

"So what is this 'bar' you speak of?" asked Loki. I decided it had been awhile since we'd been on a date, and I wanted to take him somewhere really Earth-like and fun.

"It's a place where you go and drink a bunch of alcohol and get drunk and make out." Loki smiled.

"I like the sound of this!" he exclaimed.

"Awesome! We'd better go now, it's getting late."

"Wait Amelia, put on that strawberry lipstick I like," Loki said. I smiled at him and pulled it out of my purse.

"I'm way ahead of you," I said.

I decided to take Loki to a fun fancy bar. Not the gross kind where there were a bunch of old drunk guys sitting around and throwing up in the corner. No way. The bar I took him to was called The Big Pickle. I have no idea why it was called The Big Pickle, because it had nothing to do with pickles whatsoever, but everyone just accepted it and it was the place to go. So that's where I took Loki.

I didn't have a lot of money, so going to The Big Pickle was not exactly within my range, but I figured we would go there and just splurge on the complimentary Jello shots. They had them on every table, in a cute little white dish. However, since Loki had never experienced Jello shots before, I would not let him take too many. Those things were _strong_. We wouldn't get too drunk; just enough to have fun.

When we got to The Big Pickle, it was packed with people. Classy, dressed-to-kill, fancy people. Loki and I tried our best to look the part. I had him dressed in a nice black suit with a green tie, and I wore my best tight red dress. And when we saw the fancy people walk in, I whispered in his ear:

"See how they're walking? It's weird, but we should try to blend in. Follow my lead." I walked ahead of him, my hips swaying from side to side. Loki tried to copy me and I burst into laughter.

"Don't laugh; I can't move that way!" he said in his defense.

"Loki you're supposed to walk like the _men!_" I said, doubling over in laughter. He smirked at me.

"Well I'm glad you're enjoying yourself," Loki said. "I'll have you know that if that's the case, I don't have to do anything different. I walk like royalty my love; I am an Asgardian Prince." I locked my arm with his and smiled.

"Oh yeah, I forgot," I said. "I'm walking in with the fanciest man of all."

We entered The Big Pickle and found a table at the back. It was dark, but the Jello shots in the middle of the table could be seen clearly. I pushed Loki down in a chair and held up a Jello shot shaped like a watermelon slice.

"This, my lovely man, is a Jello shot. They have very strong alcohol in them. So, try to control yourself. These will get you _very_ drunk." Loki smiled.

"I want one," he said.

"…Okay, but take it slow. I mean it." Loki slipped one into his mouth and closed his eyes tightly as he swallowed. He blinked several times and looked up at me.

"Whoa…" he said.

"I know," I replied, taking one. I sat in Loki's lap and bit half of the watermelon-slice Jello shot. He bit the other half and kissed me; sucking my half out of my mouth. "Hey man!" I said. Loki snickered.

"I like those," he said.

"I bet you do," I replied. Loki directed my face to his with the touch of his fingers, and proceeded to kiss me for a very long time.

The rest of the night went downhill fast. Loki didn't listen to me about taking it slow on the Jello shots. He had about six, and they worked fast. He was very happy. At one point, he got up on the table and shouted.

"I think everyone should know," he began. "That the gelatin desserts are delicious! ANOTHER!" Everyone cheered, and Loki fell off the table. I, still sober, got up to help him.

"Do you want to go home?" I asked him. He widened his eyes at me and put his hands on my breasts.

"Wow Amelia, you're so hot. Do you know that? You're like…if someone set fire on fire…" I laughed.

"Loki you are really drunk," I said. "You didn't listen to me about the Jello shots." He laughed and stumbled back.

"Darling I listened; I just didn't obey. But it was worth it! I feel great!" Loki twirled around and put his hands on some random guy's shoulders.

"I LOVE YOU MAN," he said. The guy wasn't even bothered. I supposed he was drunk too, because he just smiled and said:

"I LOVE YOU TOO. OHMYGAWD." They hugged, and I could not contain my laughter. Suddenly, someone clinked a spoon against a champagne glass.

"Attention everyone: karaoke is starting! All singers make a line at the DJ station!" Loki turned to me.

"What is…'carry o-key'?" he asked.

"It's where you go up and sing a song, and they give you the words," I said. Loki's mouth fell open, and he called to his new friend.

"Hey! We have to do that!"

"Yeah man!" said the guy. He had a margarita in his hand and he was all smiles. I decided Loki and I could stick around a little longer; I wanted to see how this went.

Loki and his friend went up to the DJ station, and he announced:

"Okay, folks! Our first singer is a duet of Loki and Brett! This is 'We Are Never Ever Getting Back Together'!" I put my hand over my mouth. Loki didn't even know that song. I got out my phone and began taking a video. This would be really funny tomorrow.

Loki and Brett stumbled to the stage and the music started. Brett started singing and Loki read the words off the screen and sang them at the wrong time and off-key. But it was so cute. Their arms were on each other's shoulders and they swayed back and forth. As I watched, I took another shot. Loki sang into the microphone:

"You talk to your friends…talk to my friends, talk to…Brett, who do my friends talk to? Oh that's right…" Eventually he just fell over and I had to go up there and get him. I walked on the stage and saw that Loki had passed out.

"Aw, poor baby," I said. Brett laughed.

"Hey, let's take off his pants and put it on a flagpole outside!" he said, the stench of a LOT of alcohol on his breath.

"I think I'll leave his pants on," I said, and then whispered to myself, "For now…" I grabbed his arms and dragged him off the stage. He was heavy, and I wasn't strong in the slightest, so I couldn't carry him. When I had dragged him all the way to the door, he started to wake up. I knelt down to him and he smiled at me.

"Oh, hhhhello Ammeliaa…" he said, his speech heavily slurred. I helped him up and he leaned on me. "I don't feel very well."

"I wouldn't think so," I replied, trying to steady him.

Suddenly he backed up and immediately threw up all over my red dress!

"Loki EW!" I exclaimed, backing up. The vomit was all over me, and it was red and gross. I grabbed his hand and marched him right out of The Big Pickle, letting him finish throwing up in the grass. When he finished, he wiped his mouth off with his sleeve and buried his face in my shoulder.

"I'm sorry," he said pathetically. I couldn't help but love him a little bit more. I held him close.

"That's okay Loki," I said. "I love you." He smiled, his teeth red from his vomit.

"Me too," he replied. I helped him to the car and he spent the whole ride home with his head in my lap.

The next morning, Loki woke up around noon and stumbled into the living room when I was making lunch.

"Good morning, or should I say afternoon, sleeping beauty," I said. Loki rubbed his red eyes and closed them tightly.

"Oh my God," he said. "What happened?" I gave him an excited smile.

"Don't worry; I got it all on video!"

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**I wish there really was a fancy bar called The Big Pickle. That would make my life. I couldn't go there yet, but it would still just be good to know it was out there. *that was just a random thought* Reviews? ;)**


	12. Norse Mythology

**(Author's Note: Sorry for the lateness! Also I would like to thank everyone for the reviews and suggestions, and I promise I will try to get to as many as I can, thank you so much! Enjoy! ;))**

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**E****pisode #12 – Norse Mythology**

I entered my apartment laughing really hard. I couldn't stop myself. I had to hold it in when I was at the library because you have to be quiet in there, and nobody would have understood anyway. I knew Loki would though. He greeted me at the door and looked at me questioningly.

"What are you laughing at?" he asked. I hung my bag up on the hook next to my door and held a large brown book in front of Loki.

"I read the most hilarious book about you! You have to read it!" I exclaimed, trying to stop laughing.

"Me? It's about me?" Loki took the book and looked at it. "What do mortals know of me?"

"Apparently nothing of fact," I said. "They're Norse myths about you and your family, and some of them are really funny!" Loki sat at the kitchen counter and opened the book. I followed him.

"Here, read this page," I said, turning to page 53. "Loki, the trickster god, was known for mating with humans, animals, and rocks and trees!"

"What?! No, that is revolting! How would one even mate with a rock?"

"Look, and it says here that you have a bunch of kids! An eight-legged horse named Sleipnir, a wolf named Fenrir, a snake named…Jor-man…gen-der? I don't know. And a half dead girl named Hel. Loki, you gave birth to Hell?"

"No! None of this ever happened! I have never mated with anything but an attractive woman, and I most certainly do not have any children! And even if I did, they would be normal and powerful and adorable. Who wrote this?"

"It's just old myths. I got it at the library."

"Look here!" Loki exclaimed. "I did not shape shift into an elderly woman! And it states repeatedly that I get rejected by everyone I know! What?"

"Not her," I said, pointing at a painting of a woman standing over Loki with a bowl. "Sigyn. She was your wife apparently, and it says she held a bowl over your head so you wouldn't get poisoned by that snake."

"Was that my snake? Jormungandr?"

"I don't know."

"Poisoned by my own son," Loki said dramatically. "This is rubbish. Take me to this 'library'. I want to see what more they have written." I thought about it.

"Okay," I said. "But in the library, you have to be quiet. You can only whisper."

"Why?"

"I don't know; it's just the rule. People are reading I guess."

"Alright," Loki said, and I drove him to the library. Loki looked around in wonder when we arrived. He marveled at the books we had and all the people sitting around in silence. He whispered: "We have these in Asgard. But they are bigger and our books are different. Also, there are no people around with eccentric hats."

"Those are headphones," I replied. "They let you hear things without anybody else hearing them." Loki looked very confused. "I'll teach you another day."

I led him to the mythology section and we looked through the books. I pulled one out titled, _Loki & Odin: Blood Brothers_, and showed it to Loki. He furrowed his brow.

"Odin and I never mixed our blood. Thor is my brother, not Odin! Mortals are so ignorant." I gave him a look. "Oh, but not you darling." I smiled at him and he looked through another book.

"Oh my God!" he whispered. "They claim that the gods tied me up with the innards of my own son! …Gross!" Loki then turned around and walked toward the librarian. Dang it; I knew he was going to talk to her about the contents of the book. I decided it was best not to get involved, and pretend I wasn't with him. That sounds mean, but really; he'd gotten me in trouble enough times, he needed to take one for the team. I pretended to look at the books nonchalantly, while I secretly watched Loki.

Soon everyone's eyes were on Loki, because he began shouting.

"This information is false, and you Midgardians present it as truth! It is slander, and I order such a thing to be destroyed! I only mate with women!" Mothers then covered their children's ears and everybody yelled "Shh!" at Loki. He turned toward them.

"I will destroy you all! You are liars!" One girl stood up.

"Are you saying that you are Loki, god of Asgard?" Loki threw his hands out in front of him.

"YES. You mortals are utterly hopeless."

"What hospital did you escape from, sweetie?" asked the librarian. Loki turned to her.

"What?" I had to intervene now. They were going to put him in the loony bin. I rushed over to the librarian's desk.

"Okay Joe, time to go back to your room," I said, patting Loki's back. I turned to the people. "Sorry, he's a little off. His parents were murdered." I escorted Loki out of the library, and when we got outside I glared at him.

"Don't look at me like that Amelia," he said. "I was just trying to set things right. My reputation has taken a severe blow."

"Loki, they thought you were crazy. Do you always have to make a scene wherever you go?" Loki had his nose in the book again; not listening to me.

"It says that I ate a woman's heart! Why am I so disgusting in mortal literature? And look, apparently when I writhed in pain, something called an 'earthquake' happened." I slapped Loki across the face. Hard.

"Loki, you aren't listening, I—" Suddenly I felt the ground shake beneath me as Loki yelled, "Ow!" I looked down, and when it stopped, I realized what Loki had just said.

Loki and I looked up at each other slowly, with bewildered looks on our faces. A silence passed between us.

"Horse-mother," I said playfully. Loki scowled.

"It was just that one thing!"


	13. Doctor

**(Author's Note: I want to thank my mom for giving me the idea for this one. You go, mom. I hope you all enjoy this episode! XD)**

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**Episode #13 – Doctor**

Loki woke up at about noon on Saturday, and he came out of my room like a zombie. He had red circles around his eyes and nose, and he dragged his feet across the floor. I was in the middle of stirring pancake batter.

"Loki, are you okay?" I asked. "You look like the Kool-Aid guy just shook you around like a rag doll."

"I do not understand that Midgardian reference, but to answer your question, I feel terrible. I am still exhausted for some strange reason, and I cannot breathe through my nostrils. Also, my esophagus feels as if I swallowed a ball of fire." I left my bowl of batter on the counter and walked up to Loki, looking closely at him and concluding that he was sick.

"That sounds like the flu," I said. "It is flu season." Loki coughed and crashed on my couch.

"I want it to stop," he said into a pillow. "Do you have any Midgardian remedies?"

"Well honestly, not for the flu, and I'm not so sure about giving you Earth medicine. With you being from Asgard, I don't know how you'll react to it. How about I take you to the doctor? That would be the safest thing."

"I do not have the energy to ask you what a doctor is, so if you believe they can heal me just take me there," Loki said. I helped him stand up and grabbed my coat as we walked through the door.

"You know what; I bet it's from those fruit snacks that I told you not to eat off of the floor in the lobby."

"I regret nothing." I chuckled, and buckled him in the passenger seat. He fell asleep on the way there.

…

When we finally arrived, Loki made a disgusted face when we entered the building.

"It smells like death in here!" he exclaimed.

"Shh!" I said. "Loki, there are some very sick people here; you can't be rude!"

"Well excuse me if these are the worst healing chambers I have ever seen." I led him to the front desk and checked him in. The lady handed me the paperwork and we sat down in the waiting room.

"Okay you have no medical history whatsoever, so I'm just going to list your symptoms. You said your throat hurt, your nose was clogged, and you were tired?"

"Yes, and my head feels like it will explode. Also, I would not be surprised if I began retching right in this seat."

"Yep, this really sounds like the flu to me. Okay, now we just have to wait until your name is called." Loki didn't like waiting, so I let him watch Wrestlemania on my iPhone. I watched Oprah on the waiting room television.

About half an hour later, a nurse came out and read off her clipboard:

"…Loki? Did I say that right?" I took my earbuds out of Loki's ears, and he looked at me sleepily.

"That's you," I said. "Let's go."

We followed the nurse to Exam Room 4. I told Loki to sit on the big table.

"Why does it have paper on it?" he asked.

"So it doesn't spread germs," I replied.

"And a piece of paper is going to help?" I smirked at him.

"I am going to take your temperature and blood pressure," said the nurse. I pleaded for Loki not to freak out in my head. The nurse commanded Loki to open his mouth and when he did, she shoved the thermometer in. He was shocked to say the least, but I gave him a harsh look and he didn't do anything. He just scowled at me and left the thermometer in. When it beeped, the nurse took it out and looked at it. Loki smacked his tongue, trying to get the thermometer's taste out of his mouth.

"Hm. You have a fever of 101 degrees. That is not good. Okay, hold out your arm." Loki did as he was told and the nurse wrapped the Velcro around his arm and began pressing the air capsule. Loki suddenly looked at his arm in alarm.

"Ow! This is squeezing me!" he said. He started to fling his arm around violently. "Get it off!"

"Sir, you have to sit still," said the nurse. "Have you not had your blood pressure taken before?"

"No!" Loki said. "I command you to release me!" The nurse took off the Velcro and then took out her stethoscope. Loki shirked away.

"What is that?" he asked.

"It's just a stethoscope Loki. Relax," I said. The nurse put her hands inside Loki's shirt, alarming him, but he didn't move. She pressed the stethoscope to his chest and he jumped.

"That's cold!"

Luckily the nurse closed her eyes while she listened to his heart, because the coldness of the stethoscope caused Loki to turn his Jotun blue. When she was done, she grabbed her clipboard and wrote something down.

"The doctor will be in soon." She left.

"I despise that woman," said Loki. "That was most uncomfortable."

"Try to behave," I said.

"I'm trying Amelia, but I feel like dog excrement and I am not exactly in the best mood right now. I want to kill everyone in this building except for you." He lied flat on the table. "When I take this planet under my control, these places will be the first to go."

"I know it's uncomfortable Loki, but really it helps you. People need doctors. Without them, most of us would be dead." Loki just sniffled.

When the doctor entered, he smiled at Loki and I and looked down at his clipboard.

"You seem to have contracted the Influenza A virus," he said. "But the season is starting; that's very common. However, the nurse noticed some highly irregularities in your heartbeat and blood pressure, so we may need to run some tests to make sure this is not stemming from anything serious."

There was no way I could explain to the doctor that Loki was from another planet, so he would have to endure these tests. The doctor handed Loki a cup.

"Urinate in this plastic cup, bring it back to me, and then we will take your blood." Loki looked up at the doctor with horror.

"Whoa," he said. "…You want me to _urinate_ in _this_…_give it to you_, and then you are going to steal my life fluids? What kind of trickery is this?!" I stood up.

"Loki come on, I'm going to help you." I turned to the doctor. "He's never done this before. We'll bring it back in a moment." I left the exam room and took Loki to the bathroom in the hall. I locked the door behind us.

"What kind of _sick_ process is this?!" he exclaimed.

"I know it doesn't make sense, but you have to do it. Just pee in the cup and we'll take it to the doctor." Loki raised an eyebrow at me.

"I cannot get past the fact that he wants my urine! Are you sure this man is not…"

"No Loki, he's just a doctor! Now pee in the cup!"

"Fine! But don't watch." I looked away and Loki tried to pee in the cup, cursing a few times.

"Are you done?" I asked.

"Yes," he said grumpily. I turned back around.

"Oh my God Loki, you got pee all over the wall!"

"Do you know how hard it is to get everything in this tiny container?!" I sighed and helped him clean it up. We both washed our hands and reentered Exam Room 4. Loki handed the cup to the doctor.

"Okay, now we need to take your blood. Please follow me to Exam Room 7." I didn't know if I should stay or go, so I just stayed in Exam 4 while Loki followed the doctor to Exam 7. That was a mistake.

After a moment I heard shrieking and crashing. I stuck my head out the door and saw Loki running down the hall, bleeding profusely from his arm. Shoot! I immediately followed him.

"Loki stop!" I yelled once I caught up with him.

"Amelia I'm leaving!" he said, and he ran all the way outside to where we parked.

"Loki, do you realize what you've done?!"

"They were _stealing_ my blood! I need that! I'm sorry Amelia, but this is where I draw the line!" He sat in the passenger seat, blood pouring out of his arm. I got in the driver's seat and took off my jacket, handing it to him to stop the bleeding. I sighed, and began driving home. I felt awful for all the trouble Loki caused, but there wasn't much I could do. I was only half responsible for him. Loki fell asleep on the way home too, and when I parked in the apartment garage, I looked over at him, sleeping soundly. I smiled.

"You're funny, you know that?" I said. Despite the trouble he caused everywhere we went, it was worth it. He was adorable.


	14. Cooking

**(Author's Note: This one is for Shadow! :) Sorry for the lateness; enjoy!)**

**DISCLAIMER: I don't own Loki, Rachael Ray or her food; I really own nothing but my imagination. So don't get your panties in a pretzel. ;)**

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**Episode #14 – Cooking**

When I pulled up in my apartment complex and saw that my building was on fire, I wanted to turn around and go back to Starbucks to pretend I didn't see that. But I did, and I hoped with all my being that #1) Loki was okay, and #2) he didn't cause this. To my relief, he was fine, but…of course he was the cause.

I quickly got out of my car and ran over to a fireman.

"Is everything okay?" I asked.

"Well, something in Apartment 203 blew up and set fire to the whole building, but luckily everybody got out and there are only a few injuries," replied the fireman. Apartment 203, that was my apartment. I thanked him and started looking around for Loki, until I saw him sitting on a nearby bench, watching the building burn as if it were a spectacular show.

"Loki!" I said, and as soon as he saw me his eyes widened. I marched over to him and he put his hands up in front of him.

"Amelia, before you blame me, I just want to say that it wasn't my fault."

"Did you set fire to our apartment?" I asked.

"Well yes, but—"

"—Then it is your fault!"

"No, it was Rachel Ray's fault!" Loki said. She told me to heat the pie for one hour at four hundred degrees, and then it just…exploded." I put my hands on my hips.

"What?"

"Alright, just let me explain," Loki said.

…

Loki was sitting on the couch right after I had left for Starbucks and the DMV (I had to get my license renewed) and he was flipping the channels on the TV. When he stumbled upon Food Network, Rachael Ray appeared on the screen.

"Hi, I'm Rachael Ray! Do you have someone in your life that you love, and deserves something amazing?"

"Yes," Loki replied.

"Do you want to surprise them with a tasty treat?"

"I suppose."

"Well I have the perfect recipe for a delicious Apple Pie! It's quick and easy, and that special someone will be deliciously surprised! We'll be back after a five-minute break to start baking!" Loki took this as an opportunity to do something productive while I was away. He got up and went into the kitchen, checking the inventory. He didn't know what anything was, but at least he knew what was there.

When The Rachael Ray Show came back on, Loki watched eagerly as the ingredient list came on the screen. It read as follows:

_6 granny smith apples (2 1/2 to 3 pounds)-peeled, quartered and sliced 1/3 inch thick_

_2 1/4 cups plus 2 tablespoons flour_

_1 cup plus 2 teaspoons sugar_

_1 tablespoon fresh lemon juice_

_3/4 teaspoon ground cinnamon_

_1 egg, separated, white beaten slightly_

_1/3 cup ice water, plus more if necessary_

_1/2 teaspooon salt_

_1/3 cup chilled vegetable shortening, cut into smaller pieces_

_6 tablespoons unsalted butter, chilled and cut into small cubes_

"Smith?" said Loki. "I suppose I shall have to ask about this 'Smith' woman." He headed down to the lobby of the apartment complex and a woman smiled at him from the front desk.

"How can I help you?" she asked.

"I am looking for an elderly woman called Smith. Does she live in this building?" The woman looked on her computer.

"Yes she does, in Room 207."

"Thank you mortal," Loki said. (I can't believe there is an old lady with the last name of Smith in our building. What are the odds? But Loki swore it happened.)

Loki made his way to Room 207 and knocked on the door. The elderly woman Loki pinned as Granny Smith opened the door.

"Hello young man," she said.

"May I borrow some of your apples?" Loki said. "I need six. I am making an Earth pie."

"Certainly sweet pea," said the old lady, not even remotely taken aback by Loki's mention of an 'Earth-pie'. She gave Loki the apples and pinched his cheeks. He was a little startled, but thinking this was a custom, did the same to the old lady.

"Thank you for the fruit," he said. The lady waved him goodbye and shut the door.

Eventually, the last ingredient Loki had to get was the 'ground cinnamon'. Naturally, he went outside for that. Loki looked upon the grass very closely.

"Well if I knew what cinnamon looked like, I might be able to find it on the ground," he muttered to himself. It took about twenty minutes of sifting in the dirt for Loki had a 'brilliant' idea. "What if the cinnamon is _in_ the dirt? That must be it." Loki scooped up a cup of literal 'ground cinnamon' and poured it in the bowl with the rest of the ingredients (which none of them were remotely correct).

Just then, Rachael Ray appeared once again on the screen, to give the directions for baking the pie. First, Loki was to preheat the oven to 400 degrees Fahrenheit. Loki didn't know what Fahrenheit or oven was, so what he got from those directions were: heat with your blue scepter until it is 400 degrees. So Loki conjured up his scepter and pointed it at the bowl of…eccentric pie. He blasted it and when it had reached 400 degrees, the entire kitchen counter was black and smoking. Loki coughed and decided to move his baking into the living room.

He moved his bowl onto the coffee table in front of the TV and then observed that he was to 'beat the eggs'.

"Ooh! Finally something fun," he said, fetching two eggs from the fridge, or as Loki called it, the Jotun box. He put the eggs on opposite sides of the coffee table, since Rachael said to separate them, and proceeded to pound on them with his fists. However, he pounded them too hard, and broke the glass on the coffee table. Loki then cursed to himself and picked up the bowl out of the pile of glass shards.

When it came time for Loki to "roll the dough into a ball", he found himself in a predicament. His pie was not exactly a dough, per se. It was more of a brown mush with shards of glass, green apples, and balls of dirt. Loki looked at his creation.

"I must have gone wrong somewhere," he said. "Oh well, I'll skip to the baking."

As it turned out, the pie had to be baked for an hour. So Loki sat down, fired up his scepter, and 'baked' the pie. The thing about his scepter was, it did not stay on one level of power for that long. It increased its temperature and power until it destroyed whatever was before it. Therefore, before Loki realized what was going to happen, the scepter let out a huge blast of power and blew the entire apartment up in flames. Loki was shot out the door and fell down the stairs, however unscathed. Then everyone began screaming "Fire! Fire!" and scrambled all over the place.

Thus, brought us to the current moment.

"So you see," Loki said. "I was only attempting to surprise you with a Midgardian pastry." Loki hung his head in shame. I felt bad. He was only trying to make me happy. I could feel his frustration at doing everything wrong all the time. I couldn't help but smile at him.

"Well, you tried. And no one was hurt," I said. I wrapped my arms around him.

"Thanks for risking your life for my taste bud happiness."

"It was the least I could do," said Loki sincerely. And it probably was. I was just glad everyone was okay. But…

I am never leaving him home alone again. Ever.

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**Guess what, this is a real Rachael Ray recipe! (and if you know a lot about Rachael Ray and are disappointed by my portrayal of her, I'm sorry. I honestly know nothing.) But if you want to make her apple pie better than Loki, just google 'Rachael Ray apple pie' and go to town.**

**Also, who has read or is reading Marvel's new comic series, "Loki: Agent of Asgard"? I'm just dying to talk about it with someone! If you haven't but want to, you can find them at your local comic or used book store! :) (This really sounds like I'm advertising, I'm sorry, I just want to give credit where credit is due. ;)**

**Thanks for reading and please review!**


	15. Moving

**Episode #15 – Moving (In With My Mom)**

Loki had burned down our apartment. Not only that, but all the stuff it contained. So it was just me, him, and my car. That was all. I didn't even think of Jenko until we had been standing there for a while.

"Wait a minute Loki, was Jenko in the apartment?! Did he get out?!" I said, my hands coming up to my mouth.

"Do not worry; it lives," said Loki. "It ran into the forest." I let my hands fall to my sides.

"He ran away?"

"Yes," Loki replied. I gave a frustrated sigh.

"Figures. Okay, well there's no use standing here." I began walking to the car and sat in the driver's seat. Loki got in and sat next to me.

"Where are we going?" he asked. I looked at him harshly.

"I don't know, Loki! I don't know. …You burned down our home. We lived there. Everything is gone now." Loki looked down, ashamed of himself.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I just wanted to make you a pie."

"Well thanks for the thought," I said. We sat there for a few minutes until Loki turned on the radio. "We Built This City" came on. Loki, trying to make me not be mad at him anymore, started singing along.

"We built this city on rocks and soil!" he sang. I couldn't help but laugh.

"Loki, those aren't the words," I said. He gave me a puzzled look.

"What do you mean? Cities are built on rocks and soil, are they not?"

"It's rock and roll. 'We built this city on rock and roll.'"

"What is a roll? And how would one build a city upon it?"

"It's a type of music. Rock and roll, it's the music style." I smirked and Loki crossed his arms.

"I think you're on the brink of insanity. You cannot build a city on music."I laughed, and decided it was best to let him sing the song the way he wanted to sing it. I pulled out of the parking lot and began driving down the road.

"Do you know where we are going now?" asked Loki.

"We have no other options, so…we're going to my mother's house." I said the last part with a painful tone in my voice. My mom wasn't bad, but she had this rule called, "If you're in my house, you're five years old." She didn't say that, but I lived my whole life with my mom treating me like I was a child. But it wasn't just me; she treated everyone like that. If anyone stayed the night—anyone—their bedtime was strictly 8:00 p.m., just like the rest of us. A lot of times it wasn't even dark yet. My friends never wanted to sleep over.

Another thing was, when you went to the bathroom you had to notify her if it was #1 or #2, because if it was #2 she just had to spray febreeze after and remind you to "wipe your little tushie". I swear to God. Needless to say, I didn't want to take Loki there. But we had no other choice, and I knew my mom would be thrilled to have us. She'd probably have Loki a sweater knitted within our first ten minutes of being there.

"Hey Loki…I just want to warn you about my mom….she's going to baby the heck out of you." Loki didn't say anything; he just looked uncomfortable. "Just don't threaten her, okay?"

"You have my word," he said.

When we arrived at my mom's house, I rang the doorbell and told Loki to stand up straight. My mom opened the door and almost exploded. She had a full-out cow.

"AMELIA MY BABY, I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HOME! THIS MAKES MY ENTIRE DAY, MY LORD! AND WHO'S YOU'RE HANDSOME FRIEND?"

"Hi mom," I said with a smile, returning her hug. Even thought she was a pain, she was still my mom and I loved her all the same. "This is Loki. He's my boyfriend."

"OH! What a cutie!" She wrapped him in a big bear hug and Loki squeaked a little. "Well come on in; I have fruit snacks!" I entered the house and Mom gestured Loki through the door.

"You know what honey; I'm gonna knit you a sweater. What's your favorite color?" I rolled my eyes, and Loki answered:

"Green." Aw. He was going to let my mom knit him a sweater. She turned to me and winked.

"He's a keeper," she said. She went into the kitchen and came back with two packages of Scooby-Doo fruit snacks. "Enjoy! But eat one at a time so you don't choke." Loki did as he was told, but I took a handful and threw them into my mouth.

"Amelia!" scolded my mom. I smirked. "So what brings you here, sweetie?" she said, sitting on a white couch. Loki and I sat on the one across from her. My mom had decorated her house with white and light blue, doilies and crocheted blankets everywhere.

"Um…our apartment kind of burned down," I said. My mom's hand came up to her mouth.

"Oh my lord, what happened?"

"I exploded it," said Loki, causing a silence. A horrified expression started to form on my mom's face, so Loki added, "on accident." She paused for a moment.

"Okay, well let's get you two situated; you can stay as long as you want." My mom would have us stay there forever if she could.

That night was filled with pie (real pie; Loki was very impressed) and a four-hour marathon of Shirley Temple. Come 7:30, she was lecturing us on brushing our teeth and showering before going to sleep at eight o'clock sharp in not only separate beds, but separate guest rooms.

As ridiculous as it was; we did what we were told, and shook hands before we went to bed, per my mom's orders. I was rather surprised; Loki had never behaved like this before. I felt kind of bad; I figured he was acting this way because he was sorry for burning down our apartment. But as fate would have it; his good behavior didn't last for long.

In the middle of the night I heard a loud CRASH! coming from the dining room. My mom and I rushed in, her hair in curlers and my hair a mess, to find all of her expensive China that my grandmother had given to her strewn all over the floor in broken shards. Loki looked at us wide-eyed, something small and brown in his hand. My mom screamed.

"My China!" I gave Loki the death glare. That China was very important to my mom. She wouldn't even let me near it when I was a kid. He smiled weakly.

"Ladies…I can explain. There was a small rodent behind this marvelous glass case. Loki held up the small brown thing. It was a mouse. My mom screamed again, and this time fainted.

"Loki, what have you done?!"

"I don't know about you, but I don't think I would be alright with rodents running about my abode. I was trying to help. Then the decorative dishes fell." I put my face in my hands.

After my mom woke up, she kicked us out. I didn't think she would, but…I guess that China was worth more than I thought. So out we were again, on the porch. And this time it was raining.

"…Amelia, maybe I should just go back to Asgard," said Loki.

"What? Loki, no! Why would you say that?"

"I just seem to always get you in trouble; I cannot do anything in the proper manner." Loki looked down and I put my hand on his shoulder.

"That's not true," I said. "We'll find someplace."

"I wish we had more of those gelatin 'shots' as you called them," said Loki.

"Yeah, me too."

Eventually we decided to go back to the car. I turned on the radio. "We Built This City" was playing again.

"Wait Amelia," said Loki. "I think I left the rodent inside your mother's home." Just then, we heard a screech. I looked at Loki. He looked like he was trying really hard not to laugh. So was I.

"I think I like her," said Loki.

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**So...what did you guys think of Amelia's mom? ;) Let me know what you guys want to see; throw me a review! **

**Thanks for reading!**


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